Everywhere I go people are always asking me for advice on how to be a great parent.
I’m just kidding, no one has ever asked me that. But lucky for you, dear reader, I have compiled a list of parents who are absolutely killing it in one way or another so you can direct all your questions to them while I sit back and pour myself a(nother) mimosa and apply my cucumber face mask.
This mom who made her kids walk 7 miles after they were rude to the bus driver. I bow down to you and your kick-ass refusal to let disrespectful behaviour slide.
Mindy Kaling, who appreciates what an asshole she was before having her own child.
Kim Zolziak-Biermann, January Jones, Holly Madison, and every mother who’s ever bragged about eating her placenta, because most of us don’t care how nutritious it is or how silky it will make your hair. It’s still disgusting.
Tori Spelling, who’s supporting her husband Dean’s ex-wife financially because Dean hasn’t had a job in…. Ever. Tori knows you never want to piss off the ex and I deeply respect her keep your friends close and your enemies closer approach to life.
This Goddess, whomever she may be.
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who believe giving your children gifts during the holidays will turn them into self-entitled assholes, so they just say no to spreading joy and good cheer.
These moms who nail-shamed Kylie Jenner on Twitter and Instagram because everyone knows the length of your nails directly co-relates to your ability to parent.
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard who set the internet on fire when they admitted to locking their three-year-old daughter in her room until she falls asleep. I waited till my kids were four, but hey Kristen, you do you.
Actress Alicia Silverstone, who helpfully chews her baby’s food then feeds it to him FROM HER OWN MOUTH baby bird style. Because pooping on people’s heads and hunting worms with your kids is frowned upon.
And last but not least there’s Mahatma Ghandi’s grandson, who says his parents fasted when their children misbehaved because “penance” is better than “punishment.”
I’m just going to leave that last one there while I go grab a snack.