Worst Stocking Stuffers of All Time

Empty Stockings Hung On Fireplace On Christmas Eve

This time of year, you’ll see lots of suggestions on how to give great stocking stuffers. Many of these suggestions require money, creativity and time. Precious commodities that you might not have.

And what if there are some people in your life who have been naughty this year? Maybe it’s a teenage or adult son or daughter who has been driving you nuts all year. Or a partner that gives bad gifts (or no gifts) all year round. Or a family prankster who needs a good comeuppance! (I’m looking at you, Uncle Pete!)

For those people, I give the gift of the 5 worst stocking stuffers of all time (Warning: not recommended for impressionable children prone to emotional scarring).

 

Socks

No one likes getting socks for Christmas, right? They are nothing more than stocking filler. So what is worse than socks? One single sock! Preferably brown, used and with holes in it. (Creative tip: give 6 single socks of different sizes and put them into one sock to create a Russian Nesting Doll of disappointment.)

 

Toilet Paper Rolls

This one should be easy as toilet paper rolls are pretty easy to come up, especially when hosting over the holidays. Simply wrap up the tube. When loved one unwraps tube, gleeful tell them how you know how much they wanted a musical instrument for Christmas. Grab from them and use tube to hum out various songs the person hates – anything by Justin Bieber will do. (Creative tip: add tab sheets of persons’ favorite songs.)

 

Random Key

Nothing causes delight more than a random, unmarked key. What is it for? A new car? A fancy condo? Grandpa’s safe full of gold? When presenting the key, give the recipient a couple seconds to speculate, then quickly snatch from his or her hand and yell “No, you are not ready for this!”, then pet said key while muttering “soooo many memories” or “my precious”. (Creative tip: borrow car keys from a friend. Preferably for a very nice car to ramp up the confusion.)

 

Naughty List

Christmas is a time of love and forgiveness, right? Wrong! When people have their defenses down, it is a best time to sucker punch them with a naughty list of grievances. What better way to celebrate the holidays than by taking a loved one through a list of all the bad things they did this year. (Creative tip: consider a comically, exaggerated roll or parchment paper with the phrase “you know what you did” over and over again.)

 

Oatmeal

If nothing says Christmas morning like freshly made oatmeal, then NOTHING says Christmas morning like a stocking full of freshly made oatmeal. (Creative tip: Anything will work, just go with whatever is in the fridge. Pickles, sauerkraut, yogurt, kimchee, etc.)

 

Don’t feel like you need to give all 5 items. Any 1 will do. Also, feel free to deviate from the list. There are lots of terrible stocking stuffer ideas out there. Have fun with it!

 

 

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Mark Medland

Author: Mark Medland

Mark Medland is a 40 something father of five who lives in Mississauga, Ontario. When he is not working at one of the big Canadian banks or raising his kids, he likes to cheer for the Habs and eat amazing food with his wife Vanessa.

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