Real News We Wish Was Fake

land-shark

Can we talk about this whole “fake news” crisis that has everyone up in arms?

First of all, I didn’t even know fake news was a thing until a certain spray-tanned dictator political “leader” started ranting about it. Since then, I’ve learned that fake news is completely made up, seemingly credible and designed to attract maximum interest, especially on social media.

So far, fake news creators seem content to focus their efforts on influencing politics and world events instead of spreading heinous lies on parenting and childcare. To my knowledge, we have not been liking and sharing false information about the benefits of organic lemur milk over breast in baby’s first three months, which is a huge relief because I don’t even know where you can buy a lemur these days.

Sometimes fake news is funny and sometimes it’s dangerous. But sometimes it doesn’t even come close to being as weird, and scary, as the actual headlines.

For example:

Still trying to be the “cool mom”, eh?

A 44-year old woman got into trouble after she was found to be behind the wheel when her daughter and several other teens went on an egging rampage of neighbourhood houses. Egging rampage. Is this a thing? When caught, mom of the year told police she did it because of “family problems and because she just did not care.” So even if you can’t relate to her parenting style you can probably relate to that.

Think twice before you give your teen the car keys tonight.

A Florida man DROWNED earlier this month after hitting a fire hydrant with his car. When he stepped out to assess the damage he was sucked into the hole where the hydrant had been standing. Yes, you read that right. He drowned. In a fire hydrant. After being sucked in. Add that to the list of dangers you have to worry about when your new driver leaves the house. You’re welcome!

#sharknado

In Australia during cyclone Debbie, Queensland Fire and Emergency Services tweeted this picture of a bull shark that washed up after the storm. Imagine seeing this on your way to drop the kids at school. “So you’ve got your lunch, your math homework and …. Oh, careful honey, watch out for that shark over there.” The good news is, by grade one most kids have learned not to take candy from strange sharks.land-shark

Still in Australia

An Australian senator has made history by being the first woman (I would also wager, the first person) to breastfeed her baby on the floor of her country’s Parliament. Larissa Waters tweeted this photo and, naturally, the world lost its damn mind again as the debate over breastfeeding in public was reignited. Honestly, I think sharks will fly before this is no longer considered news. Oh, wait a second…breastfeeding-senator

Be a dear, wrap in clear.

Event planners specializing in baby showers (yup, they exist) are now reportedly asking guests to wrap their gifts in clear paper so everyone can see what’s inside without having to sit through an hours- long gift opening. To be clear (get it?) I am absolutely in favour of anything that makes baby showers end sooner, but telling my guests exactly how they’re supposed to wrap their gifts would make me feel like a major… oh, I don’t know … jerk?

Playing outside? That’s child abuse!

Last year, a Winnipeg mom was investigated by Child and Family Services after a neighbor complained that the woman’s children, aged two, five and 10, had been left unsupervised in the family’s backyard. During the investigation mom Jacqui Kendrick insisted she was always watching her kids from the kitchen window and the other older ones were looking after the littles. When the investigation was completed, CFS said no other action against the mom would be taken. The neighbor who allegedly made the complaint could not be reached for comment because she was busy editing her book on perfect parenting.Little girl and boy in swing made with car tires with motion blurred

You won’t like Grandma when she’s angry

When her grandchildren contracted lice, a Florida woman did the only reasonable thing one can do in this situation: she attempted to have the man who gave it to them killed. If you’ve been there, you known lice is a major pain in the ass. You might as well just burn your house down and start from scratch. (Scratch, get it?) But Pamela Vanorsdale said “screw that” and attempted to hire a hitman, even suggesting to him where the victim might be shot (“head and chest,” naturally) and where his body might be dumped (“South Carolina”, obviously). I used to think that my mom was the bees knees of grandparents but she hasn’t offered to kill anyone so maybe we need to discuss her priorities.

Nope, not twins.

On May 8, 2017 a New Zealand woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby boy. He was delivered, not surprisingly, via c-section. It reportedly took three hours to administer mom’s epidural because she was too big to bend over. On average, newborns weigh about 7.5 pounds, making this little gentleman nearly double the norm. For context, other items weighing 13 pounds include: a bowling ball, 15 cans of pop, and a bald eagle. So if you didn’t give birth to a baby the size of a chunky house cat, you apparently have nothing to complain about. Take those stitches and quit your moaning.13-pound-baby

Jen Millard

Author: Jen Millard

Jen Millard is a proud wife and mother of two living in Markham, Ontario. After adopting both her girls at age four, Jen and her husband Daren became passionate advocates for older child adoption, foster care reform and LCBO gift cards. An avid traveller, Jen counts Hawaii, Edinburgh, Greece and Canada’s east and west coasts among her favourite destinations. Jen is happiest when she’s got her nose in a book, a glass of wine at her side and a nap on the horizon. Jen is at her unhappiest when she is talking to her husband about her credit card bill or contemplating working out. When she’s not blogging, Jen is busy cleaning up after three badly-behaved pets and working as a part-time College instructor and Stella & Dot Stylist. Jen and her family spend their summers on Prince Edward Island.

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