Posts Tagged: Alyson Schafer

Can’t Ignore the Sibling Fighting? Put Them in the Same Boat.


I recently posted a parenting tip for handling sibling fighting that recommended you walk away and refuse to get involved in the conflict. I know for some of you, the worry is that your children are either too physical or too young, and still need your involvement.

That’s completely fine. If ignoring is not going to be a viable tool for you, then let me offer up another method called: “Putting Them in the Same Boot.”

This tool ensures that both children involved in the conflict perceive that you are not siding with one over the other. This method makes sure there is no accidental favoritism that can erode the sibling relationship.  It honors the fact that in any conflict, both parties are able to influence the outcome.  Since fighting requires both children to keep the situation hostile and unresolved, both should experience the same discipline for their disruptive antics, regardless of who started it, who had it first, or who owns it.  None of that matters!  If fighting erupts and doesn’t resolve itself, and you feel you must step in, try one of these lines:

“Looks like you two are having trouble being together at the moment. You can both go to your rooms and cool down for 5 minutes.”

“I guess I will have to put away the riding truck until you two can figure out how to share it without fighting.  When you have a plan worked out, come get me and I’ll give it back.”

“If you can’t agree on how to take turns on the family computer without fighting, the computer will be turned off for this evening. You can both try again tomorrow.”

“I am having a hard time enjoying my dinner when you’re at each other like this.  I’m going to take my plate to the kitchen.  Call me when table is peaceful again and I’ll come back.”

With both children being put in the same boat, they are now interested in getting their brother or sister to be cooperative with them rather than sustaining the conflict. With this new method, they are invested in not upsetting the other.

Give it a try and let me know it goes for you.  If you’ve already had success with this method, share your stories! Nothing is more motivating than someone else’s success story.

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t Misbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com

Should Spanking Children Still Be Legal In Canada?

photo credit: wikiHow

I would like to share a few of my own thoughts on the issue of spanking children.

1. Spanking equals hitting. Let’s stop using words that pretty up the act to hide reality.

2. Hitting is ineffective as a form of discipline.

There are two kinds of children – those who respond to being hit by correcting their behaviour, and those who don’t.

Responders – The child that responds to the hitting would have responded to other forms of correction. There are other effective forms of correction that aren’t at the expense of the child’s esteem and don’t hurt parent-child relationships.

Non-Responders – The child that does not respond to being hit in fact rebels against the physical transgression to prove that it doesn’t control them, thereby retaliating and often making the next transgression worse. They hold in tears of pain or laugh at the parent who in vein tries to “get through to them” by hitting progressively harder, only to produce a child that is motivated to retaliate yet again.

It’s a vicious, escalating cycle.

People spank children because they are bankrupt of ideas on what else to do, not because they think it is the best thing to do. People need to learn alternative methods of child guidance through parent education classes that teach adults to understand the motivations and discouragements within the misbehaving child. Parents need to get to the root of the problem, rather than resorting to reactive short-term “fixes” of punishment and discipline. Governments should fund parent education just as they fund pre-natal education.

Now my two cents on the Supreme Courts’ ruling. If you have not been following this case, here is a summary.

The Supreme Court has ruled that:

  • Parents can use appropriate and reasonable force and restraint for the purposes of correcting / teaching a child,
  • The parent must act in a cool and rational way, not angered,
  • The force must not be degrading or humiliating or harmful, and,
  • The child must be older than 2 years and younger than 12 years of age.

While this is now a more restrictive interpretation of the law than was previously in place, I would ask the Justices how the remaining elements add up to anything that will effectively change a child’s behaviour.

If the blow is weak so that it meets the law’s criteria for not degrading the child, how exactly will this measure influence behaviour?

If it is so weak as to not be degrading, why do they exclude children older than 12? The court reasoned that this type of correction would promote rebellion and antisocial behaviour. How could an adult acting reasonably and treating a child “reasonably” and not “degradingly” bring that about?

I feel that the ruling essentially speaks from both sides of its mouth. Hitting is punitive and the punitive is, by nature, degrading. It affects all humans the same way, regardless of age. We once believed that husbands could use “reasonable force” to control their wives too. And no doubt some people and some religions feel this is still the case, but our laws have progressed to recognize that this is not the case. We must now show that society must find alternatives to hitting children in a vain attempt to correct them. All humans are social equals and this should be reflected in the law – regardless of age.

I will close by acknowledging the dissenting opinion of Justice Binnie, whose comments I agree with:

“A child is guaranteed ‘equal protection and equal benefit of the law’ by s. 15(1) of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Section 43 of the Criminal Code, R.S.C. 1985, c. C-46, denies children the protection of the criminal law against the infliction of physical ‘force’ that would be a criminal assault if used against an adult. The sole reason for children being placed in this inferior position is that they are children.

“Notwithstanding these facts, my colleague, the Chief Justice, is of the view that the equality rights of the child are not infringed by s. 43 because ‘a reasonable person acting on behalf of a child . . . would not conclude that the child’s dignity has been offended in the manner contemplated by s. 15(1)’ (para. 68). With all due respect to the majority of my colleagues, there can be few things that more effectively designate children as second-class citizens than stripping them of the ordinary protection of the assault provisions of the Criminal Code. Such stripping of protection is destructive of dignity from any perspective, including that of a child. Protection of physical integrity against the use of unlawful force is a fundamental value that is applicable to all. The ‘dignity’ requirement, which gathered full force in this Court’s judgment in Law v. Canada (Minister of Employment and Immigration), [1999] 1 S.C.R. 497, provides a useful and important insight into the purpose of s. 15(1), but it should not become an unpredictable side-wind powerful enough to single-handedly blow away the protection that the Criminal Code would otherwise provide.”

You can review the full ruling if you’d like details on the court’s decision.

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t Misbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com

 

Toddler Tantrums in the Doctor’s Reception Area

I was recently asked about how to cope with a public tantrum. I think the description given below will ring true to many parents:

“Yesterday we went to the doctor’s office. My daughter had a bowl of goldfish crackers for a snack and she kept spilling them so I held the bowl for her and she went crazy, throwing herself down on the ground in the reception area. She would not stand on her feet and went completely limp. I took her outside to sit on the step and let her sit on the lower step under me and held her with my legs while she thrashed about. We did this for like 5 minutes while she cried and yelled and I talked calmly to her. After that I let her go and offered her three goldfish crackers and she wouldn’t eat them and threw them down and went crazy again so I held her in a leg lock until she calmed down. Then she sat beside me and I offered her a cookie instead and she was better. This whole process took about 25 minutes. I’m just wondering what you thought I should do? Give her nothing? Or spanked her? Or what? At home it would have been over instantly but in public it doesn’t work that way.”

Here are some ideas on how this might go better for you next time:

1) Why does she do this in public only?
You were astute to notice she doesn’t react the same way in public as she does in private. She has learned from past experience that you are more likely to cave in public and give way to her demands, or that she can seek a little revenge and make you feel small in public by embarrassing or upsetting you.

Rule of thumb – try to have the same responses for behaviour regardless of where you are. I know it takes a lot of confidence, but believe it or not, people really don’t really care as much about you and your parenting as you think. Honest.

2) Toddler Tantrums are usually a form of a power struggle.
A tantrum is a child’s attempt to win a power contest that is being held between the child and the parent. The issue is not the goldfish per se, but rather “who has power over whom?” I recommend parents don’t try to “win” power struggles, nor do I think they should cave and “lose” power struggles. Both winning and losing serve to model to the child that power struggles are a good way to get your way in relationships. We don’t want them learning that do we? Instead, we must work to END the power struggle, by coming to a truce so you can get on with what is required of the situation.

Usually, power struggles get started when a parent steps into the child’s roles and responsibilities. In this case: whose role and responsibilities were the snack? Who owned the problem? In trying to “help her” you accidentally usurped her power to manage herself, her situation and her choices. When she starts to tantrum you have to think back on what got her triggered. What just happened that she perceived you as being dominating or controlling (usurping her power)?

If she’d rather hold the goldfish and continue to drop them, do you really care? I wouldn’t let her eat them off the floor mind you. I might even say “I am worried that you’ll have none left to eat if they all keep spilling and you’ll be hungry.” But the snack is hers to manage, her mistakes to make and her disappointment to deal with.

3) Too Late – Tantrum is on.
Once a tantrum has started, stop talking. There is no value in discussion when the child is in this state. Remain calm yourself, because if the child successfully gets you upset, it serves as “payoff”. She will feel victorious in her tactics to dominate you (your mood) with her tantrum and thus will stick with this successful behaviour strategy.

4) Disengage – Tantrums require you as the audience.
Once a tantrum is on, stop engaging in any way. There are many ways we “engage” with children besides talking. These include looking at the child, holding / hugging / rocking / pinning down, talking to calm them, etc. All of these are interactions between two individuals and it keeps adding fuel to the fire. The parent must disengage. As Dr Rudolph Dreikurs used to say, “You must take your sail out of their wind”.

5) Doctor’s office example.
Once the toddler tantrum begins, try totally ignoring it. Let her fall to the floor screaming. Pick up a magazine and start reading it. Don’t look at her, don’t touch her. Get busy with something else. If she screams so loudly and for so long that it is a public nuisance to the doctor’s office, you can remove her from that environment to finish the tantrum somewhere where it won’t affect others.

You can ask her, “Can you calm yourself or do we need to go outside?” (Or to the car). If she continues, carry her outside, and let her finish her upset out there while you sit and read a magazine from the office. Don’t look, don’t talk, don’t touch until she has calmed herself. You can let her know that, “When you are calm, I’ll know you are ready to go back in.”

6) Success.
Tantrums can be measured in their frequency, duration and intensity. If you are working to eliminate tantrums, be sure to use these objective measures to keep you encouraged that you’re making progress.

7) Positive Power.
Children need power. We want them to find it on the positive side of life namely, in being competent and capable and in contributing their talents to the family. If you spend time training children to manage on their own, they will get a sense of empowerment. Help her progress along the continuum towards full self-competence.

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t Misbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com.

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