Posts Tagged: Alyson Schafer

Minimizing “NO” to Create a More Co-Operative Household

I am sure some researcher has the exact number of time the average kid hears the word “no” in a day, but suffice it to say, its plenty!

Kids become immune to hearing “No”.  Kids start to repeat what they hear when they say “no!” back to us. Oh how quickly our children learn that the person who can say “NO” is the person who holds all the power.

You will find that if you minimize the times you say “no”, your child is more likely to be co-operative.  Here are some ways to skirt that nasty word and still control the social order of your households:

  • That’s not an option
  • I am unwilling…
  • Say it in a funny way, ie. “Never in a gazillion billion years!”
  • Sing, “no no no!”
  • That’s not appropriate.

For a younger child ­ say nothing and use distraction instead:

  • Ask: “What do you think?” “Is this a good choice for you?”  (make sure you are willing to abide by his / her answer!)
  • With a youngster that has something you don’t want him to have: “That is not a toy”
  • Ask “What are your other options?”
  • “No, but I would be wiling to…”
  • “I appreciate your asking, however…”.
  • “Walls are not for coloring, Here is a peice of paper.”
  • Tell them what to do instead, ie, “water needs to stay in the tub”
  • “This is not negotiable”

Print this off and stick it on your fridge. We all need some crib notes to get through parenting! These gems come from my colleague and mentor Jane Nelson of Positive Parenting, and she has a vibrant community at www.positivediscipline.com that you should all check out too!

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t MIsbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com.

The Good Divorce

You may have decided to end your marriage, but with a young family, you still face years of co-parenting with your ex. There are ways of having a good divorce and raising happy children with minimal emotional upset.

Here are some best practices to set you on the right path:

  • Let the kids come first. You may disagree on a lot, but at least try to agree that the children come first and the adults emotional baggage and private agendas come second.
  • Use collaborative law. Utilize the new collaborative law and mediation processes. Your separation will be more amicable. The legal bills really hurt the economic backbone of a family and your children will ultimately pay the price.
  • Get counseling. Even the best, conflict-free divorces benefit from having a professional help family members transition out of the nuclear family and into their new arrangements.  Grieving the life you had and working to create a new vision of the future will help everyone land more gently.
  • Act happy (even if you have to fake it). The most stressful problem for children is seeing their parents in conflict and feeling split loyalties. Kids love both their moms and dads, so if they see divisiveness, they don’t know where to place their affections. If they love Mom, it’s an act of going against Dad and vice versa. This is the hardest emotional bind for a child. Instead, show your children you both get along (or at least don’t hate one another). That means no bad-mouthing the other parent, no dirty looks, or asking the child to deliver snarky messages or spy on the other.
  • Agree to disagree. I promise you, it’s the actual fighting and conflict about minutiae (like how to handle homework, discipline differences, bedtimes, what the kids eat etc.) that hurts kids, not the staying up late, watching Call of Duty, and skipping assignments. Let the other parent do things their own way and support the idea that kids can handle two houses having two different styles and rules. Decide what’s worth fighting for. If you agree you should not “sweat the small stuff”, but you wonder what is “small”, let me share what courts agree you should speak up about.
  1. Safety: ­Abuse or neglect
  2. Travel:­ Extensively being away, distant, remote or unreachable
  3. Health:­ Refusing chemotherapy, blood transfusions, vaccinations, etc.
  4. Education:­ Sending them away to boarding school/military school or other non-main stream settings
  5. Religion:­ Excessive pressure or conversion to a known religious cult or extremist group

Are you getting a sense of the scale now? So, fighting about trans fats in fast food isn’t the way to go. You’ll probably do more psychological damage to your toddler watching you bicker over it.

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t MIsbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com.

The Happy Snappy Goodbye

Who among us doesn’t dread the pre-amble and fall-out that often accompany’s leaving our children in the care of others. They cling to our pant leg and plead for us not to go as we stress about what to do in front of on-lookers.

We worry, we feel guilty, and we wonder if it is the right thing to do. It’s hard – but one of our jobs as parents is to move our children from total dependence at birth to total independence when they leave the nest. It is our role to prepare, not protect our children for the demands of life.  Here is how:

Show Faith

The only way for a child to learn to be away from their parent is to do it. There is no way to “ramp up” to it per se. We learn we can manage – by managing! Your attitude about your child’s ability to manage is everything in this process. If you are not convinced your child should be left, your apprehension will fuel their apprehension. Like wise, your positive attitude will be infectious too!

Start with Respect

Every individual, regardless of age should be informed of things that affect him or her. If a child is starting a new activity or program, they should know this in advance.

Not too much: Don’t go on about it every day for weeks – that only causes the child to deduce that this event must be BIG, why else would mom and dad keep going on about it?

Not too little: Don’t conceal it in order to avoid the child’s reaction. If you do, the child may learn not to trust you and may deduce that there is always some trickery that you are concealing. This creates a perception of a world that is unpredictable, making it difficult to feel safe and secure.

Just Right: In a simple, calm, matter of fact way, let them know what will be happening. If they object, let them know that you have faith that they will manage. Enough said!

Avoid Giving Undue Attention

If they continue to protest, don’t get too involved in trying to sway them to wanting to go. Just stick with a calm, cool, matter of fact response. If you go on and on like a salesmen trying to sway them, they will have discovered a topic you love to talk about and that holds your attention. Once discovered, they will use this topic to keep you busy with them, usually at tuck-in time. I don’t doubt that there will be some fears and apprehensions in children – but dwelling on it can magnify rather than calm the anxieties.

Here are some strategies you can implement!

TTFT (Take time for training)

Decide what you want the drop-off to look like. If you want to be able to drop your child off at the door and kiss them good-bye, then this is what you need to train the child to do. How? BY DOING IT! If you come into the class for 5 minutes and then wait outside for another 5, than that is what the child will want and demand every time. That is what they are learning the “routine” is and we all know that kids thrive on routine. You are teaching them a routine you want to abolish — why bother starting?

Plan ahead

If you think your child will cling – make arrangements in advance with the adult who will be caring for your child to meet you at the door and help “uncouple” the child from you and take them in. With an ally on the inside who is willing to help make the drop-off snappy, and if you both keep your smiles on and proceed with a calm serene air – you will have accomplished both elements to a “HAPPY SNAPPY GOOD-BYE.”

Yes – there will be tears, but the sooner the good-byes are over, the sooner the child calms down and gets engaged in what they are supposed to be doing. To prolong the good-bye actually prolongs the tears and fears. Parents unknowingly are making matters worse instead of better by prolonging the inevitable.

Don’t Reward Expected Behaviour.

And – finally, don’t promise some big treat at pick up time. Offering a treat or a reward just confirms to the child that the place must be horrible because mom feels you need to be compensated for going there!

Long Term

  • It is a gift to let your child learn that they can manage without mom and dad
  • It is a gift to have your child have other adult / child bonds and friendship
  • It is a gift to yourself to have some child-free time to replenish yourself so you can be re-charged as a parent
  • It is a gift to increase your child’s social world
  • It is a gift to practice these skills early

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t MIsbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com.

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