How Many Kids? Is There a Magic Number?

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According to a recent study, the most stressful number of kids to have is three.

I remember being a mom of one—though it wasn’t for long—and finding it difficult. Truthfully, I didn’t find it exciting enough, and there were times it could be quite boring. When I look back now, and think of how I was juggling a baby and law school, I wonder how the word boredom ever factored in. These days, I’d jump for a warm serving of boring.

I was a happier mom once my second child arrived, 15 months after my first. Even after suffering a miscarriage after we had our first baby, there was still a very small age gap. It goes without saying, our third baby came not all that longer after the second.

And yes, three was stressful, but I found it was more about the circumstances than it was about the numbers. I was living far away from my family, had three babies under three, and my eldest was well on his way to an autism diagnosis. There were no fancy three-kid strollers back in those days, so Daddy-o had to create a make-shift triple stroller that involved a child’s plastic lawn chair with a harness—those were not glamorous days.

If I were to offer a theory on family size and stress, it’s less about the numbers and more about closeness in age and how much support someone has at the time.

Saying that, I can see how three would be considered the most stressful number of children for some families:

  1. It’s a parent personality thing. Kids don’t stress me out the way they do many parents. If I had been stressed at three, I would have stopped. So, yeah—people with more than three kids are probably less likely to stress out about kids. You have to be tolerant of a certain chaos levels when you have a big family. It can absolutely be too much to take.
  2. Maybe some people with three kids like the “idea” of a big family, but two really was enough —so that third stresses them out. With kids, you have to like more than the “idea” of it, because the reality can be bigger than you ever imagined.

Did you have a “perfect” number in mind when you started your family? Is there a number of children you found particularly stressful?

The Good Divorce

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You may have decided to end your marriage, but with a young family, you still face years of co-parenting with your ex. There are ways of having a good divorce and raising happy children with minimal emotional upset.

Here are some best practices to set you on the right path:

  • Let the kids come first. You may disagree on a lot, but at least try to agree that the children come first and the adults emotional baggage and private agendas come second.
  • Use collaborative law. Utilize the new collaborative law and mediation processes. Your separation will be more amicable. The legal bills really hurt the economic backbone of a family and your children will ultimately pay the price.
  • Get counseling. Even the best, conflict-free divorces benefit from having a professional help family members transition out of the nuclear family and into their new arrangements.  Grieving the life you had and working to create a new vision of the future will help everyone land more gently.
  • Act happy (even if you have to fake it). The most stressful problem for children is seeing their parents in conflict and feeling split loyalties. Kids love both their moms and dads, so if they see divisiveness, they don’t know where to place their affections. If they love Mom, it’s an act of going against Dad and vice versa. This is the hardest emotional bind for a child. Instead, show your children you both get along (or at least don’t hate one another). That means no bad-mouthing the other parent, no dirty looks, or asking the child to deliver snarky messages or spy on the other.
  • Agree to disagree. I promise you, it’s the actual fighting and conflict about minutiae (like how to handle homework, discipline differences, bedtimes, what the kids eat etc.) that hurts kids, not the staying up late, watching Call of Duty, and skipping assignments. Let the other parent do things their own way and support the idea that kids can handle two houses having two different styles and rules. Decide what’s worth fighting for. If you agree you should not “sweat the small stuff”, but you wonder what is “small”, let me share what courts agree you should speak up about.
  1. Safety: ­Abuse or neglect
  2. Travel:­ Extensively being away, distant, remote or unreachable
  3. Health:­ Refusing chemotherapy, blood transfusions, vaccinations, etc.
  4. Education:­ Sending them away to boarding school/military school or other non-main stream settings
  5. Religion:­ Excessive pressure or conversion to a known religious cult or extremist group

Are you getting a sense of the scale now? So, fighting about trans fats in fast food isn’t the way to go. You’ll probably do more psychological damage to your toddler watching you bicker over it.

 

About the Author:

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada’s most notable parenting experts. She is the resident expert on The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV News Channel and CBC’s The World This Weekend. Alyson is an “Ask an Expert” Columnist for Today’s Parent Magazine, and sits on the Health Advisory Board for Chatelaine Magazine.  Alyson is the best selling author of “Breaking The Good Mom Myth” and “Honey, I Wrecked The Kids” and her latest, “Ain’t MIsbehavin”.  She is an international speaker including the inaugural TEDxKids in Brussels and offers free parenting tips at www.alysonschafer.com.

Have Allergic Kid, Will Travel!

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Guest Post by Mabel’s Labels Marketing & Communications Manager, Karma Bryan-Ingle

Having a child with life threatening food allergies makes everyday life just a little more scary for me. But when my son’s allergies were “discovered” (via an almost fatal trip to the ER at age 3), my husband and I decided that we were not going to let his allergies dictate the way he lives and the way he gets to experience life. I know everyone deals with this diagnosis differently and it’s a very personal decision, but this is how we choose to live.

So, I have always let Evan live like any other kid, but just a little more carefully and a whole lot more aware! He goes to birthday parties, he has sleepovers, he trick or treats at Halloween and he travels.  Birthday parties are easy for me… I get in touch with host parents in advance to discuss Evan’s allergies and ensure they are comfortable with feeding him. If they aren’t, I provide special snacks that I know are safe for him. I do the Epi-Pen drill with the parents at drop off and always make sure I am easily accessible. Halloween, while frightening, is manageable for us as well. We do a full sorting of the candy before Evan touches anything. In fact, he tends to sort himself as he’s collecting. He knows if someone gives him a bag of peanut M&M’s and he hands them over right away… most of the time they don’t even make it into the treat bag!

But when it comes to traveling, even I get terrified! To me there is nothing scarier than being in a confined space for a few hours, 30,000 feet in the air and someone pulling out a bag of peanuts in the seat behind us. Truly, just typing this makes my heart start to pound and my stomach do a back flip. But let me tell you, it can be manageable and I found out how on 2 recent vacations.

For Christmas 2011, we decided to take Evan to Disney. We were so excited about the trip, but this was going to be the longest flight we’d taken with him since his allergies came to light (we’d done small jaunts with him previously).  We were flying Air Canada so I called them up and they were great. They put on note on the file indicating his allergies and told me the flight crew would make an announcement onboard. And not only did they announce that there was a child on board with a life threatening nut allergy once we boarded, but they also announced it before boarding in the lounge and asked people not to bring anything on board with them. I thought this was terrific service and it did provide me with the comfort level I needed.

This past Christmas we travelled to the Caribbean. We had a 5 ½ hour flight so again, my anxiety levels were going up as the trip got closer. We were flying Air Canada again, so I called them to request the same service, but instead I got even better. AC now allows you to fill out paperwork, have your doctor sign it and then they create a file that stays in the system for 5 years. Now each time Evan flies, his reservation is tagged and they create a buffer zone for us on board. This means that when the plane has boarded, the flight crew speaks to the people seated in front of us and behind us to let them know that they are not to take any nut products out of their bags and that they won’t be selling any nut products in those rows. They also offer people to switch seats if they aren’t comfortable with the arrangement.

Let me tell you… this provided such peace of mind. And the passengers seated around us were all very accommodating. With the exception of one woman who still makes my blood boil 5 months later. When the flight attendant told her the deal, she said, in a very loud, rude voice “Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous!” (After I told her my kid could die if she pulled out some peanuts, she quickly kept her opinions to herself!)

I know my experience has only been with one airline, but I’m sure all major carriers would have a similar policy. After all, approximately 4% of children between the ages of 0-18 suffer from food allergies and in the US, every 3 minutes a food allergy reaction sends someone to the ER! Those are scary and alarming statistics for sure!

So, while Evan’s life threatening allergies are certainly scary, we have found a way to manage the fear to make sure he gets the most out of life. And I think this approach works well for our family. Evan understands the seriousness of his allergies, so he is careful, but at the same time, he’s living the life every 7 year old should!

Evan living life to the fullest!

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